Currently, both my son J and his younger brother are working on finishing their practice drives and logging their hours, so they can take their driving tests. I have dubbed this “Project Freedom” in jest, but really it’s true. This big step in independence means more freedom for them and also for me as a parent. I ran into a friend of mine who also has a 20-year-old autistic son at the grocery store this morning. I mentioned it to her as we were catching up on our families. She said she’d like to borrow that name from me as she too is working toward more independence for her autistic son. It made me think that parents in general take for granted our kids will grow up to be independent. For those of us who are parents of autistic children, we think differently and have to be more deliberate in helping our kids gain that independence and freedom.
It isn’t that our teenage and young adult autistic children don’t want independence. I think many of them really do. But there is fear and uncertainty in their minds. When J drives his car, he does it really well. He is mindful of the road and other drivers. He points out when he didn’t do a turn as well as he would like. If another driver makes a mistake, he notes it. When I am driving him, he is mentally driving and making statements about my driving or what others are doing on the road. (Yes, we all get into bad habits when we are driving, and our student drivers are excellent at pointing them out to us!) So, it isn’t that he doesn’t know how to drive. He has almost 50 hours logged. J is just timid about it, but I know with more experience that he will become more comfortable and will be a safe driver.
Independence = More Freedom
I’ve pointed out to my son J many times that when he obtains his driver’s license, it will give him so much more independence. He can drive himself to work without having to rely on Uber or me to get him there and back. If he wants to go hang out with his dad, he can just drive over to his place without having to wait for his dad or me to be available to take him. When he decides he wants to get food from outside of the house, he can go to the grocery store or head through a drive-thru.
These essential life skills like being able to drive are life-changing for our autistic children. Whether it’s learning how to make their own meals (even only using a microwave), it gives them independence on when and what to eat. Learning how to manage their money lets them make purchase decisions and save money for their future. Being able to manage their own affairs is a big deal, and they may need support but it’s also a relief to parents if we know our young adults can figure and manage things on their own.
Being deliberate about teaching our AuDHD teens and young adults
I’ve written a few blog posts over the years about the importance of teaching our autistic children, teens and young adults the most important life skills. I’ve done well in certain areas with J and not so well in others.
J’s younger brother says I haven’t taught him enough, and I think that is true for both of them. Yet, I remind him that they have to be willing to learn too. They are finally at that point, so I am being more deliberate about stopping certain tasks until I can have them either watch me or do the task with me talking them through it.
Even though sometimes I feel like stopping and teaching them slows me down, I remind myself that doing so gives us all freedom in the end. It’s teaching them how to fish instead of just giving them fish. For parents of neurotypical kids, this probably seems like a “duh.” But when you are a parent of an autistic child, it’s a different process – both in what you teach and when. Most get there eventually, but the journey you take can be through different paths and timing.
Building independence and teaching life skills
So, if you are looking for the most important life skills to teach your autistic child or some ways to support their independence, I recommend two of my past blog posts that go into more details of the what and how:
14 Tips to Build Independence in Your Autistic Teenager
What are the Most Important Life Skills Your Autistic Teenage Should Learn?
Taking steps today can help both you and your AuDHD teen or young adult gain independence and freedom. And feel free to call it “Project Freedom” in your house too!
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