When you receive a diagnosis for your autistic child, your world turns upside down. No matter how sweet and loving your child is, things change in your family when you know what you are up against. On the one hand, it’s a relief to finally know for sure, but on the other, it’s a whole new journey. In many ways, this world is not kind to autistic people. That is true in school systems, communities, workplaces and among extended families. Family dynamics can play a big role in raising your autistic child. With a better understanding, you can adjust your own behavior and bring more love and kindness to your child.
Dynamics of your immediate family
Raising an autistic child (or children for those families who have more than one) is not easy. The dynamics in your immediate family in the home change.
According to MyWellBeing.com, “family dynamics refer to the behavioral and relational patterns that govern a family’s everyday functioning. This involves both the manner which family members behave towards each other, and how families as a unit relate to the outside world. These patterns of behavior often occur unconsciously and often outside the awareness of family members. Many of these patterns may be long-standing and passed down through generations.”
If you are married, then an autism diagnosis of a child tends to put more stress on and between spouses. Since autism in hereditary, it brings up family questions you did not have before you got married. I went through that because I had no autism in any of my family history or current relations. When we started looking, we found it in my ex-husband’s family. Because we had not known of any of this history, we were never prepared for the possibility of having an autistic child.
One of the positives of receiving the diagnosis is that it affirms what parents usually intuitively know, which is that their child thinks and behaves differently. And it is fine that your child is different in many awesome ways. It can be hard only because their behaviors don’t align with the neurotypical world.
Once you know more about level of autism your child is, you can determine what supports your child needs and put those things into place. Some of those can have a really good impact on your family dynamics. Others could cause some challenges. It’s important to have patience and work through them.
When my son J was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, it was both a relief and discombobulating. We knew something was going on with him but had not received anything helpful initially from his doctor or even having him evaluated through the First Steps program. (Their evaluation was completely off!) It took us a while to figure out the right support J needed. Some were very helpful for our whole family. Others felt like they were disruptful. We managed through them to make sure he had the support he needed.
Neurodivergent and neurotypical siblings
When you have neurodivergent and neurotypical siblings living together, you can have a mix of support and conflict. A lot can depend on the siblings’ personalities. If you have a nurturing neurotypical daughter or son, they may be more supportive and helpful for their autistic sibling. However, if you have siblings that clash in personalities, then there could be more arguments, fights and jealousy.
J and his younger brother are two years apart in age. They have clashing personalities and also had similar friends in childhood, so we had a lot of conflict in our home between them. My ex-husband and I also did not have a strong marriage. I know the dynamics between us as parents affected our kids and how they related to each other.
One of the best things you can do to help nurture a good relationship between these siblings and create better dynamics between them is to be sure you provide the support your autistic child’s brother(s) and/or sister(s) need. See this blog post for more information and steps you can take.
Need for support of extended family
Dealing with extended family when you have an autistic child can be really challenging. If you have grandparents and other extended family members who are supportive of you and how you are raising your autistic child, I’m thrilled for you. I wish that were the norm. Unfortunately, it is not.
I felt like I spent too much time trying to deal and manage extended family members’ expectations and demands instead of using that energy to support my son J. It’s tough but necessary.
Many extended family members do not understand autism and/or ADHD. They tell you that your child “doesn’t look autistic.” Your extended family members get frustrated that you can’t control your child’s behavior in their presence. They don’t like having to make accommodations for food, noise, etc. in their homes when you visit. Honestly, it can be really exhausting for you as a parent. Yet, you truly hope they will eventually accept your autistic child for who they are and be more supportive.
How can you improve your family dynamics to make raising your autistic child easier?
So now that you have been nodding your head most likely agreeing with these dynamics (and probably added more of your own), what can you do to improve any of it?
- First, when it comes to others’ perspectives on you, your family or how you are raising your autistic child, assume it’s none of your business and choose to ignore their judgement. That says more about them than you. As I’ve said many times before, you know your child best. You know what is best for them. Trust that.
- If you are married or in a committed relationship, nurture that relationship to help you be on the same wave about raising your autistic child. If you disagree, it’s important to make the time to discuss your differences and find a way to work together to support your child. Consider whether counseling could help.
- If you are divorced from the other parent of your child, try to find a way to work together for the betterment of your child. It’s so important for there to be consistency, especially if your autistic child is going back and forth between two households.
- Take time to ensure you are supporting your autistic child’s siblings. Not only does that enhance your own relationship with them, but it goes a long way to helping to improve the ones between your children.
- Do your best to help your extended family better understand your autistic child but also manage how much energy you put into that. You want them to be supportive, but you also know realistically what that can be. Here is a blog post about how to prepare relatives for holiday gatherings or visits with your child. Another blog post you may find helpful is this one about when family does not accept your child’s autism diagnosis.
Have additional recommendations for managing family dynamics when raising an autistic child? Leave a comment so that we can share, encourage and help one another!
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