For some autistic children, school can seem unbearable. They are dealing with sensory issues and bullying. The environment can be uncomfortable, and they may not like the routine of the school day. This can result in some autistic children doing everything they can to refuse or avoid going to school. How can you as a parent or caregiver effectively deal with school avoidance from your child with autism and ADHD?
Defining school avoidance
What is school avoidance (which is also referred to as school refusal)? School avoidance occurs when a child is distressed by going to school and will avoid or refuse to either go or stay for the full school day.
This Psychology Today article provides the following common attributes of school avoidance or refusal:
- “Complaining of physical symptoms, such as a stomachache, to get out of school. At school, kids who refuse school may repeatedly visit the school nurse. If the child is allowed to stay home, the symptoms rapidly disappear. This does not, however, mean the child is faking; the symptoms may be a physical manifestation of anxiety.
- Separation anxiety. Children with school refusal may have a history of separation anxiety, or may suddenly develop fears of being separated from parents, grandparents, or other attachment figures.
- Changes in mood or behavior. Children refusing to go to school may be clingy or anxious, may throw tantrums, may begin struggling at school, or may behave in other ways that are out of character.
- Negative experiences at school. Bullying, a bad teacher, trauma, or a generalized fear of going to school can initiate a chain reaction that leads to school refusal. Finding out what’s happening at school is critical to understanding school refusal.”
Our son J has gone through a couple of periods of time when he would have to come home from school. Those were related to some mental health issues he was having at the time rather than a wish to avoid school itself generally. When he was being bullied in a before and after school program, we saw more avoidance and took steps with the program director to stop the bullying.
Is school avoidance more prominent among autistic children?
Yes, autistic children are more likely to exhibit school avoidance or refusal. In fact, a study published in Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders in 2017 found that school refusal is significantly more pervasive in autistic children ages 9 to 16 compared to their neurotypical peers. Although this topic hasn’t been widely studied, this study backs up what other researchers have found.
Ways to deal with school avoidance from your child with autism and ADHD
If your child with autism and ADHD is exhibiting school avoidance or refusal, what can you do to encourage your child and get them to school?
1. Acknowledge their feelings
First, you have to acknowledge their fear, anxiety, nervousness and other feelings. They need to know that you understand their emotions related to school and validate them.
2. Talk to your child’s teacher, guidance counselor and/or principal to find out what is going on and discuss a solution
One of the best things you can do is talk to your child’s teacher or others at the school. Is something happening at school that is causing the school avoidance? Bullying, a problem with a teacher or sensory issues tends to be common reasons why children avoid school. Or maybe your child is unhappy that they don’t have any friends at school. If you can find the why behind the refusal, then you can determine what a solution may be.
3. Work with the school’s special services director to identify a safe place for your child to go during the day if they are overwhelmed
Having a safe place to go when things become too much for your child is so helpful. Our son J’s safe place in elementary school was their special services director’s office. He could go there for a while to read a book, talk to her and calm down. Then she would take him back to class. It kept him from having to go home, and he knew he was safe with her.
4. Identify social issues your child is having and practice how to deal with those situations
The fear of school may be related to some social situations your child may be having at school. If so, use role play to practice what your child should say or how they should act in a situation. Download this free guide to help.
5. Establish or refine your night-time and morning routines to support going to school
Routines are an important aspect of autistic children’s lives. Evaluate your routines in the evening and morning to be sure they support going to school. For example, in the evening, ask your child to choose which clothes to wear the next day and set those out, make their lunch and be sure all homework and other necessities are in their backpack. Ensure you talk about “when” they go to school and stay away from “if.” Discuss school activities your child enjoys.
6. Make your home “boring” if your child stays or comes home
If your child does stay home from school or comes home during the day, make your home as boring as possible. That means no iPad time (other than schoolwork), TV, playing with toys, computer games, etc. Keep their activities focused on similar ones they would be doing at school. Ideally, they should complete any schoolwork needed. If there is no schoolwork for them to do, then have books they must read, activity books for math (affiliate link) and other subjects (affiliate link), a simple science project (affiliate link), etc. that they must work on at home.
7. Review your child’s IEP to ensure they are getting the support they need
Is your child dreading school because they feel like they are failing because they aren’t receiving the right support? In discussions with the special services team at your child’s school, ask questions about whether your child has the right accommodations in their individualized education plan (IEP) or if any updates may be needed.
8. Help your child develop coping skills for school
We already noted the need for a safe place, but your child also needs to have coping skills when their anxiety becomes too much. Maybe that is deep breathing or asking the teacher for a movement break. One of J’s teachers used to have him take notes to the office or to another teacher to let him be up and about when he was yancy or needed a little break. Maybe your child needs a stress ball they can squeeze in class, count to 10 slowly or think about something happy. Help them to figure out what helps them calm down in the moment and ease their anxiety.
9. Use rewards to encourage school attendance
To provide your child with autism and ADHD with an external motivation, set up a reward system for school attendance and reduce avoidance. If you tie it to their special interest, this can be effective for some children.
What if my child absolutely refuses to go to school?
When your child absolutely refuses to go to school, then it is necessary to seek professional help. If your child already has a therapist, talk to them about a plan to address the problem to assist your child in overcoming feelings. If your child isn’t currently seeing a therapist, then talk to their doctor and/or find a therapist.
You also can look into other options for education. Would another type of school be a better fit for your child? If your child is going to a public school that is large and doesn’t fit their needs, would a smaller private or charter school be better? (I realize that affordability may be an issue, but you can look into voucher programs that may be available in your area. We had a friend who was able to do this for her autistic son.)
Do you have the patience or ability to home school your child? If so, this may be a good option. I understand if you do not though – home schooling can be difficult if a parent or caregiver does not have the desire or skill set to do it.
Another option may be an online or hybrid school. A friend of ours (who was a teacher!) put her autistic son into a local online school, and then he would physically go to the school one or two days per week. He also didn’t have to go in person – for much of his high school years, he did his schooling completely online. His grandmother helped him watch when the teacher was doing lessons online, and then she would help him work on the computer to do his schoolwork. It worked great for him, and he would finish his school day much sooner than he did during an average day in-person at school. If I recall, he averaged just three or four hours of school per day, but he completed everything needed.
Additional resources
If you need additional information, check out these resources available.
Anxiety Relief for Kids: On-the-Spot Strategies to Help Your Child Overcome Worry, Panic, and Avoidance (affiliate link)
Autistic Logistics: A Parent’s Guide to Tackling Bedtime, Toilet Training, Meltdowns, Hitting, and Other Everyday Challenges (affiliate link)
Help Hungry Henry Deal with Anxiety: An Interactive Picture Book about Calming Your Worries (affiliate link)
Have you dealt with school avoidance from your child with autism and ADHD? What advice do you have for other parents? Leave a comment so that we can share and learn from each other on this journey.
