Having a child who has either autism or ADHD, or both, is really stressful for many parents. It can be overwhelming at times. So how can you best manage stress as a parent of an autistic child who also has ADHD?
Why is having an autistic child with ADHD so stressful?
Parenting has its tough days no matter what – we are raising humans who have their own strengths, weaknesses and emotions. We are doing it without real training or a manual, and many of us are dealing with our own issues.
When you have a child who has autism and/or ADHD, it is more difficult because of autistic traits and symptoms of ADHD. We have children who lack social skills, find transitions difficult, many times are extremely picky eaters, struggle with executive function, lack impulse control and more. In addition to dealing with behaviors from our children, we also have to deal with judgment of our parenting skills and decisions by others.
Don’t get me wrong – there are also rewards and many good days too, but we do struggle with stress. In fact, one study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders in 2009 found that moms of adolescents and adults with autism had similar stress levels to combat soldiers.
Types of stress that a parent of an autistic/ADHD child may experience
So what types of stress do we as parents of children with autism and ADHD experience?
Physical and Mental – In our bodies, stress shows up physically and mentally. Physically, you may have headaches, tightness in your shoulders and back, difficulty sleeping, fatigue, chest pains and more. Mentally, you may feel depressed, anxious, overwhelmed and/or demotivated. For more information, check out this article from the Mayo Clinic.
Social – We also experience social stress. In addition to feeling judged by others, parents of autistic and ADHD children often feel isolated. We aren’t invited to many social activities, or even if we are invited, we feel like we cannot attend due to our child’s behavior or sensory issues. In addition, we also feel autism stigma both as a parent as well as for our autistic child.
Financial – When you have a child with autism, the financial impact is real. For many families, they not only have to pay higher out-of-pocket expenses for care and services for their child, but they may bring in less income. That is because one parent may need to stay home or work part-time due to caregiving responsibilities. Many parents also do not pursue higher paying positions because they feel the need to be more available for their child.
I know my husband and I have experienced all of these types of stress due to our son J having autism and ADHD.
Ways to manage your stress
How can you best manage your stress as a parent of an autistic and ADHD child? Consider these suggestions.
1. Accept your child’s autism
I know this can be a given, but some parents really struggle with accepting that their child has autism. They envisioned a different life for their child. It’s completely understandable. However, I’ve looked at it from this perspective: autism is part of who my child is. If my son J didn’t have autism, then he wouldn’t be him.
2. Seek out other parents of autistic children
I love meeting other parents of autistic children because they just get me, and I get them. While family and friends try to understand what it’s like having an autistic child, they don’t really know because they haven’t lived it. Other parents of autistic children understand, and we can share learning with each other too.
3. Schedule respite care
You need a break on a regular basis. This means that you need to schedule respite care either by hiring a babysitter, asking a family member or friend to watch your child or even obtaining it through the Medicaid autism waiver. You can use this time to rest, go out with your spouse or a friend, run errands or anything else that will relieve your stress. If you have a gym membership with childcare, that counts too! You can get much needed exercise (which also greatly helps your stress levels) while someone is watching your child in a safe place. I did this most Saturday mornings when J was younger. The boys and I would go to the YMCA where they would play in Child Watch while I worked out. It was a great way to have some respite care and time for myself!
4. Carve out time for yourself each day if possible
Carving out some time for yourself is hard, but it’s so important. It can even be 15 or 20 minutes. When my son stopped napping, we instituted quiet time so that he had time to play quietly in his room while I had some much needed down time. Now that he is a teenager, finding down time is easier, but it’s also necessary. If you are married or living with a significant other, trade off on caregiving responsibilities so that you both have some time to yourselves.
5. Lean on your holistic support system
Look at your support system holistically, and you probably have more support than you think. I used to think we had a very small support system, but when I broadened my definition, I realized it was bigger than I thought. Check out this blog post to learn more.
6. Stop asking yourself “what if”
At times, we all wish things were different for us, our child and our whole family. “What if my child didn’t have autism, then . . .” The problem with this type of thinking is that it adds to your stress. That is especially true if you are worrying excessively about what will happen in the future. Here is a good article in Psychology Today that gives some good background and ways to face this type of thinking head on to overcome it.
7. View your stress with a positive mindset
In her book, “The Upside of Stress,” (affiliate link) Dr. Kelly McGonigal evaluated how people felt about stress and its effects. What she found is that when people think positively about stress, then it can be good for us. If we didn’t have stressful events in our lives, then we wouldn’t grow as people. Stress also can help us rise to challenges. For my full book review, read this blog post.
8. Channel your emotions constructively
My son’s therapist reminds my husband and me that we are human and have emotions too. As much as we try not to respond emotionally to J’s behavior, sometimes it gets the best of us. Therefore, we have worked on channeling our emotions constructively. You can do this in a variety of ways: exercise, meditation, journaling, do something fun or other means. Check out this Verywell Mind article for more ideas and information.
9. Celebrate the victories – large and small
Celebrating big and small victories for you and your child is a great way to reduce stress. Noticing the positive and good in your life can do wonders for your day, so be sure to celebrate and tell others about your wins!
10. Know when to seek professional help
Sometimes, stress levels can get to the point where you cannot manage it on your own anymore. If you are completely overwhelmed, seek out professional help through a counselor or a doctor. This is especially important if you think you may be dealing with depression, anxiety or other mental health issue.
How do you manage stress as the parent of an autistic and ADHD child? Leave a comment to share and encourage one another on this journey!
